Tips for Better Communication with Your Partner

Are you currently in a relationship and finding it hard to communicate? Do you feel like your partner doesn't see you or hear your needs? Let's break down relational communication into four main areas of focus.

1. Turn away, then turn towards

We've all been there ... you bring up a concern, your partner gets mad, voices are raised, and feelings are hurt. When we are in committed, long-term relationships, it is inevitable that feelings will be hurt and things may go awry at times. In order to minimize the longevity of an argument or the intensity of a disagreement, try turning away. Now, I don't mean walking out of the house and saying adios, but rather, turn away and take time to de-escalate yourself. Take physical space to ground your nervous system, lower your blood pressure, and take deep breathes. Once your body feels regulated, return yourself and your attention to your partner.

2.  Use "I" statements

Using an "I" statement is almost like using an E-Z pass when driving on the parkway. It takes a fast paced conversation, and makes it easier to communicate yourself, your feelings, and your needs, without the traffic jam of accusations. Oftentimes, when we share our feelings in a way that does not utilize "I" statements, our partners may hear blame, deflection, or experience a sense of shame. By using an "I" statement, you are keeping ownership of your feelings, experiences, and feedback so that your partner can hear you without emotion attached.

3. Listening without judgment or reactivity

Active listening and reactive listening are two very different things. When we actively listen, we are looking at the big picture, understanding nuances and changes in tone or body language, and looking for resolution. When we listen reactively, we are looking for holes in arguments, our defenses are going off, and our walls are sky high. Try to actively listen to your partner in a way that is responsive yet calm.

4. Focus on your 100%

Remember the infamous line, "for better or for worse" that you grew up hearing in all the wedding scenes of movies. That concept of "better or worse" actually lends itself beautifully to open and healthy communication. Throughout a long-term relationship, there will rarely be a time where both partners are performing at 100% capacity. For example, some weeks one partner may be busy or stressed with work while another partner is feeling good. Three days later, partner A may be feeling great, but partner B is now sick. We all show up in our relationships with a different percentage of availability each day. Rather than getting mad at one another for not being on the same page, come together and collaborate. Ensure that, in totality, you are both contributing to a household that runs at 100% on the good and the bad days. 

Healthy communication patterns take time and commitment to achieve, but these small steps can help improve the way we relay and receive information from our partners.